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Tony's a Winner, Scene 3: Ciggy Runs

from Tony's a Winner, an opera in one act by The NWRA House Band

/

lyrics

Airport workers sang songs to the happy couple
At their wedding reception dance.
(Larry Grayson, Isla St. Clair, baggage handler and security officer enter.)
SECURITY OFFICER: (Ciggy Runs.) We’ve had pairs of handcuffs on the security x-ray, and a ball and chain.
It’s the hen parties or stag parties that fly to Amsterdam.
We had an honest a God ball and chain, not a plastic one.
BAGGAGE HANDLER: With Geneva we get loads of skis, we keep them separate.
They are all put through it.
SECURITY OFFICER: Through the scanner.
BAGGAGE HANDLER: Through the scanner.
SECURITY OFFICER: Through the scanner.
BAGGAGE HANDLER: Through the scanner.
SECURITY OFFICER: The x-ray machine.
There are knives and firearms disguised as other things;
a stiletto knife inside a pen.
BAGGAGE HANDLER: There’s musical instruments; there’s pianos and guitars, baby buggies too.
Flights for Dublin and The Isle of Man you will get dogs or cats.
They’re sedated, I will talk to them, but they don’t want to know.
SECURITY OFFICER: We have had a car tyre. Christmas trees. Deck chairs and parasols.
You get empty cases.
BAGGAGE HANDLER: Just for ciggies.
SECURITY OFFICER: Just for ciggies?
BAGGAGE HANDLER: Just for ciggies.
SECURITY OFFICER: Just for ciggies?
BAGGAGE HANDLER: For the ciggie runs.
On the Malaga flights, you get loads of golf clubs,
And designer brand ladies’ handbags.
BAGGAGE HANDLER: We’ll get bags with no tags on…
SECURITY OFFICER: …those go to security.
BAGGAGE HANDLER: They phone the airlines who then…
SECURITY OFFICER: …come down to re-label them.
BAGGAGE HANDLER: There are various levels…
SECURITY OFFICER: …that the case will be scanned on.
BAGGAGE HANDLER: The lads who load on the plane…
SECURITY OFFICER: …do the off loads now as well.
ISLA ST. CLAIR: And you have thirty seconds to do it, starting now.
BAGGAGE HANDLER/SECURITY OFFICER: (Both sing the following together.) Bags over twenty kilos
Are all then labelled ‘heavy’.
If a bag missed the last flight
it will have a rush tag on.
An hour and forty minutes
to get bags on every flight.
You are talking, on average,
one hundred and forty bags.
SECURITY OFFICER: (The following is spoken.) The fundamental voice frequency and its functionals have been shown to be an important characteristic in different studies. Therefore, we decide to evaluate its importance in speech likability classification by analysing the median (for robustness to the fundamental frequency estimator errors), the standard deviation, the mean of the first derivative and the standard deviation of the first derivative.
BAGGAGE HANDLER: (The following is spoken.) On Malaga flights you get loads and loads of golf clubs. Come the summer, people take all their own deck chairs. Parasols, buggies, you get loads and loads of them through the summer. You get cases that are going out with nothing in them, so we think they are doing ciggie runs or whatever.

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from Tony's a Winner, an opera in one act, released October 12, 2020

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